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Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Fri Mar 16, 2012 1:59 am

Well, seeing as there hasn't been an upload to this part of the forum for... a while confused I decided to do so.
Of coarse that is not actually the reason. I've been working on this for a little over two weeks, and so far only the first chapter is completely finished. Imma go ahead and say this, but I don't normally write, especially something this... extensive. *pushes non-existent glasses up*
But, rest assured I pretty much put my heart into it. so, without further a due;

Compromise: Chapter 1 (Old version/ Not updated)
Chapter two is nearly done. I've taken into consideration the thoughts of two fellow bronies (ones a pegasister) and FD about the changes, and fixes needed. On top of that, I figured to tune up CH 1 too, so the new one is different (though not by much other than the new 500 words added at the end of the chapter. As soon as I finalize 1 and 2, I'll re-upload both for everypony. It should be no more than a week until the revised edition of chapter one is finished. Thanks

Shouldn't be longer than 15 30 minutes to read.

Please please please! Tell me how it was, or critique it nicely, or burn your monitor. Which ever seems to be appropriate.


Last edited by CreativityIsProof on Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:02 am; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : Imputing a reading time)
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Re: Compromise

Post  acidbomb113 on Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:06 am

~{ }~
~ I love how motivated you are ~

Seriously, how I start first, and you still finish first?
Sense = no
given
jelly = work ethic(A113)
Btw, I forgot to ask, what program where you using to get the word count?
/yay droid
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:12 am

acidbomb113 wrote:
Btw, I forgot to ask, what program where you using to get the word count?
/yay droid

It was part of the application itself, a nifty free little thing called Writer. But when I imported it into Word when I was doing a "final draft" (if that's what you'll call it) It gave me the word count anyway.
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Re: Compromise

Post  Flying Dice on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:14 am

OCD typo/nitpick editor mode gogogo:
p1para2s1: 'breaking', rather than 'braking'.
p1para2s11: Feels awkward, consider restructuring.
p2para11s5: Use of 'pelting' doesn't fit very well; consider replacing with 'pressed...into', 'rested...on', etc.
p2para15s2: "...maybe Imma little under cut for the job." flows a bit roughly, consider rewording. "Not quite cut out for work just yet", or something along those lines, perhaps?
p3para21s1-2: Very awkward phrasing. Certainly replace 'bonded' with 'bound'. Also change 'expression' to 'face', or some such, unless you are trying to convey that her thoughts or feelings were blackened and that she was outwardly showing this, in which case the sentence should be restructured to more clearly convey this.
p3para26s4: Paragraph break in the middle of a line of dialogue.
p4para26s9: Incomplete sentence. Should be connected to sentence 8 of the same paragraph, or modified.
p4para26s13: 'there', not 'their'.
p4para26s14: "I thought Nightmare Moon was on our side.": Break with canon here; unless you're writing a split history AU or a noncanon moronic RD, as she was present for the banishing of NMM and (like the rest of the mane six) would either have realized (or had explained to her by Celestia) that Luna =/= NMM. Not as implausible as the same line coming from Twilight, but still jarring.
p4para26s16: Second half of this sentence is somewhat unclear.
p4para29s3: Decimation: Destruction or killing of a tenth part of a given population. To decimate the population of a city would be to kill one out of every ten residents, typically chosen by lot. (Personal linguistics hangup ahoy. Most readers probably won't care.)
p4para33s3: Should be "shadowbolts' attacks".
p5para39s1: Twilight's library.
p6para51s1: 'partisant'?


Quite apart from that, there were a number of awkward phrases and sentences that weren't quite jarring enough to note. If you plan on posting it and any continuation on an archive site, I'd suggest getting it beta read by a few more people, and going over it yourself after that.

Re: the story itself: From what I can gather, Discord escapes through unknown means, may or may not be working in conjunction with the Shadowbolts (I assume you're treating them in the typical fanon way, as physical entities rather than one of NMM's manifestations), and he has apparently picked up a copy of the Overlord list and decided to go on a RRR. As for RD and AJ: are they dead, or just sleeping?

Not really my basket of oats, but that's mainly because when it comes to fanfic I'm a foaming-at-the-mouth crossover, AU, and shipping fanatic. Please continue.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:21 am

Holy guacamole! That's what I call help. Thanks a bunch!
Oh, and they're sleeping btw. It is explained in CH2, but you don't have that. I don't wanna stray into the area of killing off ponies. And the whole Shadowbolts thing does actually play a part with Dicord, just you know in CH2 again.
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Re: Compromise

Post  Flying Dice on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:31 am

Okay, looking forward to it. And funnily enough, guess what cycled through on my playlist right as Ch1 closed? Heh.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:39 am

Oh great, now I'm going to have to write in some awesome rock n' roll intro every time Discord shows his face

slightly off topic, but does Discord remind you of Iago?
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Re: Compromise

Post  Flying Dice on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:44 am

To a certain degree, but to my knowledge Discord has never been trusted in the ponyverse.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:46 am

ah, true. But I still couldn't help hearing his voice every time Iago spoke while reading that play.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:41 am

I'm curious if anypony else has read this. If you have (or haven't) I would kinda like to know. Flying Dice was helpful, but if I'm writing this for nopony to read, well, I don't wanna be putting so much time into it ya know?
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Re: Compromise

Post  Kaijyuu on Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:55 am

I got nuttin' to do during work today, so I'll give it a look over.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:03 am

Awesome!
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Re: Compromise

Post  Kaijyuu on Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:24 pm

Okay, I finished reading it. Well, this one anyway:
CreativityIsProof wrote:Compromise: Chapter 1 (Old version/ Not updated)

There a newer version? Couldn't find another link anywhere so... :X




Anywho, nitpicks:

- Being descriptive is nice, but it seems a bit too... flowery? at parts. You don't need a fancy adjective for every description. Being concise and to the point (without losing useful detail) should be the goal.
- Some of the lines felt awkward, but FD probably pointed all those out. If some lines don't sound right one after, maybe a pause is needed. For example:
"What in the world was all that about! Wait... Why were their Shadowbolts here? I thought Nightmare Moon was on our side. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!"
This could probably use some separation in the middle somewhere, to let the character "take a breath" so to speak. I'd stick some random description of her changing her tone or somesuch between "I thought Nightmare Moon was on our side" and "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this," but that's just me.
- A few parts confused me from lack of necessary detail. For example, I didn't know how Rainbow was chained up until she started rolling around, which confused me at first since I assumed she was tied to something.
- I'm the last person to ask about proper formatting, but if you're going to italicize character thoughts, you should probably italicize ALL character thoughts, not just some.
- Tone shift at the start was too fast, imo. Starts carefree with Rainbow trying out a new trick, then suddenly boom kidnapped and everyone's all serious about everything. Mood whiplash is tricky business, so a more gradual change in tone might be in order, maybe with a few more interesting events going on during the story. Or just start dark.
- Discord's a bit more concise with his gloating, I think. He's not the type for speeches, except quick and to the point "you suck" ones. Have you seen the Star Trek episodes with Q? It's pretty much the same character, so seeing them might be a good idea if you want to get a good feel for him.


Positive junk
- I felt the end in Applejack's room was tense! That scene worked well.
- Didn't see anyone particularly out of character, save the awkward dialog and Discord, as previously mentioned.



So yeah. I'm not the greatest for feedback, but there ya go.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Wed Apr 04, 2012 1:30 pm

Wow. First I'd just like to say thank you to both you Kaijyuu and Flying Disc. I don't believe I would receive better literary help from my English teacher.
Well I probably would, but I don't think this is... her cup of tea.
But seriously, with FD's grammar help and your story line help... just thanks.

And if it matters, the last Aj scene was my favorite, and is most likly why it flows good.

However, now that you mention it, the beginning is much to rapid in the way it starts off. I did feel that as I was writing, but only attributed it towards the fact that I've never written outside of essays. Will fix.

I'll try to incorporate all of these fixes and changes in the next week or so, and should have to updated one up next Wednesday (my goal).

Again, Thank you Kaijyuu and Flying Disc.
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Re: Compromise

Post  Sean Mirrsen on Wed Apr 04, 2012 3:25 pm

I don't really read fanfiction often, but I might look into this one if I don't have anything to do at work. Don't expect much in the way of literary help from me though, it's one of the (upsettingly many) areas I have decidedly nil proficiency in.

It's "Flying Dice", btw. Wink
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Re: Compromise

Post  Kaijyuu on Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:05 pm

I dunno; I think I'm going to start calling him Flying Serrated Disc from now on.
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Re: Compromise

Post  Flying Dice on Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:24 pm

I strike the DF joke in the lower body, and the severed part flies off in an arc!
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Re: Compromise

Post  Sean Mirrsen on Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:11 pm

Compromise: let's call you a "Flying Dicer".

I'm a little out of sync to draw at the moment, so have some cheaply done photoshoppage:


And blurred:
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Re: Compromise

Post  Flying Dice on Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:12 pm

I slice! I dice! I make french fries three different ways!
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:13 pm

All I can say is...
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Re: Compromise

Post  acidbomb113 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 3:41 am

Sean Mirrsen wrote:It's "Flying Dice", btw. Wink
Kaijyuu wrote:I dunno; I think I'm going to start calling him Flying Serrated Disc from now on.
~{ }~
~ I vote we petition ~

I really will need to get around to reading this at some point...
I hate work.
I HATE work.
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Thu Apr 05, 2012 4:36 am

'Tis okay Acid. Besides, I wanna start to fix it up before anypony else reads it. Especially if I'm going to have my Lit teacher provide help.

Oh and ITS ABOUT TIME...
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Re: Compromise

Post  acidbomb113 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:11 am

Spoiler:
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Re: Compromise

Post  CreativityIsProof on Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:13 am

Spoiler:
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Re: Compromise

Post  acidbomb113 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:29 am

Spoiler:


Last edited by acidbomb113 on Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:36 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Compromise

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