Shattered (WIP)

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Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:12 am

So I'm working on a crossover between My Little Pony and, using the Kingdom Hearts concept, a whole lot of other things. Probably all cartoons of some kind. The main characters:

Cloudcarver, from the Cloudsdale weather team. Currently on sick leave due to stress-related breakdown.
Spoiler:

Storm Warning, Cloudcarver's boss and childhood friend. She's currently taking him on holiday, partially to force him to see a psychiatrist.
Spoiler:

Astra, professional dream therapist. Blinded in an accident at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
Spoiler:

Socket Wrench, Astra's brother. Works as a mechanic in Ponyville, but hasn't been seen in a few days.
Spoiler:

Other tidbits:
  • The Traverse Town analogue is called the Hub.
  • Mac and Bloo run the item shop.
  • Starscream is accidentally uploaded into a gummi ship's onboard computer.


Working on chapter 1 at the moment.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Kaijyuu on Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:36 am

I vastly approve of everything under the "other tidbits" section.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Flying Dice on Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:58 am

Kaijyuu wrote:I vastly approve of everything under the "other tidbits" section.

+1.


I wish you luck on a writing a massive crossover pileup; I don't intend to even think about that sort of thing for a long time.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Fri Mar 23, 2012 11:51 am

I've decided that Wilt, Eduardo and Coco run the equipment shop, and Coco can restore summon gems to their original bodies by eating them and laying one of her plastic eggs.

I want you to imagine a bird-airplane-coconut thing eating a gem, squatting, laying a large plastic egg, and having Princess Celestia pop out of it. Imagine it.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Necro910 on Fri Mar 23, 2012 4:31 pm

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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:42 am

fun fact: My research for this story is going to consist of watching cartoons on the internet for hours on end.

I think Heartless!Dan might be the boss fight of the Hub, actually.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:55 am

I just realised that to write this accurately I'm going to have to marathon the entire series of Avatar: The Last Airbender. I've seen maybe seven episodes of it in total.

And I'll have to watch Foster's to write Mac, Bloo etc. convincingly.

And I'll have to find other cartoons to add, and then watch them.

And I'll have to watch...

Anime fillers.

I also have to do some actual writing, but eh. Priorities.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:47 pm

First chapter, submitted for your beta reading and/or opinions. I'm rather dissatisfied with it, but then I'm dissatisfied with pretty much all my work and I'm in a bad mood right now because of

things I'd rather not discuss in public again.


Last edited by Zaerosz on Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:33 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Flying Dice on Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:06 pm

You sure that's the correct link? It's giving me a blank document in my own account.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:34 am

Try it now.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:38 am

...anyone?
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  tagg on Mon Mar 26, 2012 9:09 am

Link works fine.

Story itself: Nothing stood out as jarring in terms of wording on a quick read through, and the characters were distinct and felt fully fleshed out. Only complaints are that the scene transitions, while helping to avoid getting things bogged down, seemed a bit sudden, and that there wasn't more to read. Colour me interested.
Spoiler:
MOAR
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Thu Mar 29, 2012 6:05 am

Second chapter. I think once I get the third chapter posted and reviewed I'll put the lot up on FIMFiction.

Also, Socket Wrench is now Bright Spark.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Sat Mar 31, 2012 8:09 am

guys i know you're busy and all but i'd really like some advice/reviews/etc. on this

please

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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Necro910 on Sat Mar 31, 2012 8:24 am

Zaerosz wrote:guys i know you're busy and all but i'd really like some advice/reviews/etc. on this

please


Goofy pls





Sorry, I had to. It's the Beepsky.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  tagg on Sat Mar 31, 2012 8:50 am

Pacing was fast for my taste, but you avoided phrasing issues which really rustle my jimmies. The story is at a minimum built on a solid structure which is hugely important. I'd like to see what you do with the meat of the story, but as far as I can tell you're still setting everything up, ie: introducing characters and plot elements.
Nitpick time! It struck me as odd that Astra felt as though she was being rather short with her customers, although I can't imagine she has that much competition. It was also very strange that Mr and Ms Cloudcarver, (really liking the dynamic between those two btw,) would be so willing to help her find her brother in order to help her do her job which they are paying her for, on their own time. I was happy, and further perplexed, to see Astra also found that strange. People usually aren't that nice, but we're talking ponies, not people. Full disclosure: I might just be pessimistic about customer/employee relationship after having worked in the service industry.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:01 am

tagg wrote:Pacing was fast for my taste, but you avoided phrasing issues which really rustle my jimmies. The story is at a minimum built on a solid structure which is hugely important. I'd like to see what you do with the meat of the story, but as far as I can tell you're still setting everything up, ie: introducing characters and plot elements.
Nitpick time! It struck me as odd that Astra felt as though she was being rather short with her customers, although I can't imagine she has that much competition. It was also very strange that Mr and Ms Cloudcarver, (really liking the dynamic between those two btw,) would be so willing to help her find her brother in order to help her do her job which they are paying her for, on their own time. I was happy, and further perplexed, to see Astra also found that strange. People usually aren't that nice, but we're talking ponies, not people. Full disclosure: I might just be pessimistic about customer/employee relationship after having worked in the service industry.
"Mr and Ms Cloudcarver"
hehehehe

Yeah, I've been told I have issues with pacing. I'm trying to work on it a bit, but I'm a somewhat impatient person, and I find it hard to just dawdle along when I know exactly where and when I want to go.

And yes, ponies are very much more helpful than real people (except, apparently, shopkeepers on market day). Plus Cloudcarver has... experience with missing persons. OOPS WHOOPS SPOILERS AHAHAHAHA~ (woo for making shit up on the fly to justify in-story oddness)

Next chapter things should start getting a little more interesting.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Thu Apr 12, 2012 9:59 am

Chapter 3 is on hold for now due to a severe case of universal apathy. In the meantime, have a picture.
Pretty Damn Big:
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Kaijyuu on Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:01 am

You know what I do when apathy rears its ugly head?

I tell it this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3abMUH_P1E
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Zaerosz on Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:14 am

the problem is that I don't want to do anything.
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Re: Shattered (WIP)

Post  Necro910 on Thu Apr 12, 2012 9:39 pm

Kaijyuu wrote:You know what I do when apathy rears its ugly head?

I tell it this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3abMUH_P1E

Here's how it works for me:
Body wrote:Sorrow
Excitement
Fear
Rage
Other
My response that cancels it all out and lets me be the only logical person in a situation:

Apathy!
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