*snip**snip*

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*snip**snip*

Post  Guest on Thu May 24, 2012 4:15 am

*snip*


Last edited by NobodyPro on Tue Mar 18, 2014 3:05 am; edited 9 times in total

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Re: *snip**snip*

Post  Andal on Thu May 24, 2012 5:03 am

Interesting. I'll be watching for more.

Crossover fics not usually my cup of tea, but if you want help with edits, let me know.

You have some grammatical/spelling/capitalization/punctuation errors, but you did say this is unedited, so I'll leave it at that.

Are you going to further explain at some point how exactly Pinkie arrived wherever she is? Right now, it's a bit of a deus ex machina.

Additionally, perhaps more thought into why they wouldn't have killed her immediately? She is (at least in their eyes) an eldritch abomination that appeared out of nowhere. Maybe you have, and I am just too unfamiliar with Skyrim lore. Which is entirely possible.
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Re: *snip**snip*

Post  Guest on Thu May 24, 2012 2:24 pm

Text version posted with 100% more Moira Brown.

@Andal
Feel free to point out things that need correcting. It's been a while since I wrote fiction so some aspects of the English language are getting to me (lack of rules regarding !? or ?... foremost amongst them).

I guess I never put much thought into why Pinkie wasn't murderised upon discovery. I'll probably end up putting in something about how the 'royal-guard nord' (Gen. Tullius) is confused at the way Pinkie (who he thinks is a bound daedric summon) isn't killing the Stormcloaks or the Imperials.

As for the reason, here's the original prologue (with bits still missing):
Original prologue draft:

She leapt out of bed that morning, as usual, her mind filled with plans for Blue Stocking’s party. She had balloons to blow up, streamers to hang, a cake to bake and a pony to distract. Pinkie bounced up and down with anticipation as she imagined Blue’s normally serious face lighting up with a big white smile at the sight of all her hard work. Sure, thought Pinkie, she’s only going to be here for a week, but today is her birthday! Nopony should have such a serious look on their face on their birthday!

Pinkie stopped, suddenly deep in thought.

Did her room really have four walls? Why didn’t the roof or the ceiling count as walls? Would they count as walls if she turned Sugarcube Corner on its side? If she made a hole in one of the walls would she have five walls, or three walls and a broken wall? Pinkie walked up to the wall and rested a hoof against the wallpaper. She knew that Ponyville was on the other side, she could see it through the window, and that she was in her loft, inside. If the wall disappeared, would she be outside in Ponyville or her loft? Maybe both!

What about corners? At what point did the walls end and the corner begin? Where corners just another type of wall? Did corners even exist? You didn’t add corners to something, you just put two things together and they just sort of... appeared.

Pinkie walked straight at the corner, passing between the walls and starting something she could never had anticipated.
I'm going to redo it all but I still want to keep the idea of Pinkie surpassing reality through the power of belief.

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Re: *snip**snip*

Post  Andal on Thu May 24, 2012 4:03 pm

Typical Pinkie screwing with physics and reality? Works for me. Prologue will help.

First, some edits in red! It's all broken up, I deleted what wasn't being fiddled with. And I probably missed some things, as I'm doing this before I head to work.

Spoiler:

NobodyPro wrote:
Pinkie’s hooves hit something hard, her eyes still closed.

‘Did I just walk through a wall?’ thought Pinkie, ‘Of course not, it was a corner’.

Instead of seeing Big Mac or Applejack like she thought she would she saw three four strange creatures staring at her, all looking confused except for the one that seemed to have fallen out of his seat. It looked shocked.

Pinkie didn’t know what they were but she did know one thing: they were new in town.

Something shouted behind her, “Daedra in the cart!” grabbed her from behind and pulled her from the cart. [Reword this? Kinda repetitious with cart being repeated so close together] Around her stood more creatures, which wore metal armour, like the Royal Guard.

Its armour was different, possessing more of a gold colour, whereas the creatures standing around her wore plain metal. To Pinkie, it seemed that this one was somehow important.

He put on a helmet and walked back towards the front of the cart, Pinkie barely heard him say “Should disappear soon anyway,” as the armoured creatures bound her hooves together.

Pinkie nodded as the 'nord' gave a small chuckle and raised a... claw, yes, like Spike's! It ran the claw through its brown mane.

Pinkie somehow righted herself and moved over to the last nord.


Pinkie tried to bounce, lost her footing, and fell forward, still managing to turn her head enough to reply, “Of course I'm a pony, silly filly. Why else would I have a cutie mark?

“Is your name Lokir or not, prisoner?!

She hobbled right out to the front of the crowd, seeming not to notice the big scary nord with the big scary axe, and began to perform "You gotta share!" as best she could.

It wasn’t the usual green ‘feel’ that the wasteland seemed to have for some reason; there were actual, living trees and bushes everywhere, with leaves and everything! Thirdly, she was standing on a workbench in the middle of what appeared to be a forest.

As amazing as this new discovery was Moira had to stop herself and work out where she was located. She quickly had an answer: nowhere she had ever been before. She watched her surroundings warily; there was too much movement.

What happened to it?

Some additional pointers. You need to pick either ' or " for your dialogue, as right now you have a mix of the two and it can be confusing. Secondly, an issue with sentences such as this one:

She heard Lokir's voice in the darkness, “Come little pony, this is no place for you.”

This is a rather abnormal dialogue structure, and is a bit jarring. You should decide whether you want your dialogue to remain embedded in which case you need to add "saying" or something similar, or break it up as follows:

She heard Lokir's voice in the darkness.

"Come little pony, this is no place for you."

Lastly, you seem to write a lot of sentences like this:

The blood drained out of his face as he looked around, his claws began to shake.

The issue with this is that the grammatical structure here is off. The way it is written, you have two sentences joined by a comma. There needs to be an "and" after the comma to blend the two into one coherent sentence. Or, in a different situation, other punctuation can be used instead, like ";" and ":", as is needed. Basic rule of thumb is if it seems you could swap the comma for a period and you'd have two functional sentences, they need to be joined more smoothly, or separated completely.

I believe the proper punctuation for "!?" or "?!" is whichever one you like better. "?..." and "...?" on the other hand should be avoided. Just use a question mark, the ellipsis is overkill. If you absolutely have to use it, "...?" seems proper for a sentence trailing off into a question.

If you have any questions, please let me know. And if this seems overwhelming, don't worry! You write well, there are just a few little stumbling blocks. And feel free to ignore me if you think I'm off my rocker. Anyone else reading this, feel free to correct me if I'm giving bad advice.
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Re: *snip**snip*

Post  Guest on Mon May 28, 2012 3:41 am

Okay, so the first chapter is finished if you don't count further editing.

Twilight's Nobody's list of things to finish before uploading it to FiMFiction:
[ ] Write Prologue
[ ] Edit Prologue
[X] Write Chapter 1
[/] Edit Chapter 1
[ ] Probably write Chapter 2
[/] Make cover art

I'm half-way there!

Applejack's dialogue is just going to be one huge redline isn't it.

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Re: *snip**snip*

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