Dsarker does another sadfic!

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Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  Dsarker on Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:17 pm

Spike stepped forward. He relaxed, and closed his eyes. 

KER-CHUNK!







******


Yes, I am trying to do my best to get as much emotion in as few words as possible. I guess I could have cut the 'He relaxed and closed his eyes', but otherwise it feels too much like a cheat.
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Re: Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  Sean Mirrsen on Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:21 pm

For some reason, KER-CHUNK doesn't strike me as a particularly... well, horrible onomatopoeia. Too unspecific.
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Re: Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  Dsarker on Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:43 pm

Well, that's the thing! I couldn't work out if he was getting beheaded or being hanged?
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Re: Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  BowlSoldier on Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:46 pm

KER-CHUNK just sounds oddly comical to me, for some reason.
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Re: Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  Sean Mirrsen on Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:18 pm

It's pretty hard to convey what's happening with any sort of meaningful onomatopoeia, especially if you use only one. "Kerchunk" doesn't work for a hanging, but is a little better for a beheading. Variants could include a "kachonk" or a "kershtunk". Seriously though, you should refrain from these written sounds if you want the reader not to giggle.

I prefer the old-fashioned way. "There was a terrible ghastly silence. There was a terrible ghastly noise. There was a terrible ghastly silence." Nothing quite conveys the death of billions like those words do.
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Re: Dsarker does another sadfic!

Post  MC Dirty on Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:38 pm

Dsarker, I don't even know what I'm looking at.
Is that supposed to be an experiment on how short you can make a sadfic and still elicit an emotional response from the reader? In that case, it's too short.
In fact, I'd like to point you to some of your own work, Mao's Last Prancer for how it's done properly. The parts of the story are very short, but they work fairly well on their own. I bet you could make them even shorter.
But this Spike-thing just doesn't make me feel sad at all. Keep in mind that I cry very easily at most sadfics; this one didn't make me feel anything at all.

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